Feels

A free-write from Dec 14, prettied up to be intelligible and self-relevant

I want my friends to be happy.

Part of this is a simple need for security: I rely on others' goodwill for several necessities right now and dislike the thought of losing access to those necessities.

But I also want my friends’ happiness for its own sake. I want them to know that they are people worth knowing. They fill my life with happiness and excitement. I wouldn’t hang around them if they didn’t, regardless of any networking or support agenda.

Some of my friends are attracted to me.

From a security standpoint, it’s almost comforting. Sexual desire is a very simple and straightforward agenda; I can work with it. Gold digging is not complicated. It almost feels more honest to directly trade sex for security than to rely on a relationship of some uncertain value.

From the perspective of wanting the people I like to be happy, it terrifies the living shit out of me.

I process my own emotions at an excruciatingly slow pace. When my friends ask me how I’m feeling, I must literally pause in order to *figure it out*. At the same time, I must make sure I’m not pissing anyone off by sitting silent and blank-looking for 10 minutes. This reaction frustrates platonic friendships and sends all the wrong signals in sexual situations. “I don’t know" becomes an ‘okay’ to pushy people and a de facto ‘no’ to respectful ones. To those who would use me, I become an interactive plaything; To those who want to know and interact with the real me, I become as frigid and unyielding as stone. The opposite would serve me so much better, if I could manage it.